Encouraging Positive Self-Esteem in Pre-Teens

As posted & published in Voxy

The pre-teen years, is arguably one of the most hardest times in a child’s life. Their age says they are expected to start acting like adults, but still have many child-like restrictions.

Although a lot of my work is based on the teen years, over the last decade, we’ve seen a great rise in pre-teens trying to copy-cat teenage behaviour. Revealing clothing, experimental phases, and conflicts with parents are all teenage-inspired actions, that pre-teens are starting to show, which have never existed before.

Let’s dissect what healthy self-esteem looks like. Healthy self-esteem shows a person is in their comfort zone as a human being. It means they take care of themselves – whether through clothing choices, a healthy diet, or how they compare themselves to their peers.

The obvious self-esteem issue for girls, and one that is starting to affect boys too is inevitably their weight, which often stems on into teenage-hood and their adult lives. Looking at the glass half-empty, I must mention things like obesity, bulimia and anorexia. These seem to be common household terms these days, which shows the need to teach girls about the value of their temple of a body is greater than ever. Of course, looking at all the Photoshopped photos of beautiful Size Minus-10 models in magazines cannot be healthy, so there’s two approaches I’ve heard of and practice when speaking to girls about weight issues.

Pamela Marker was the New Zealand Girlfriend Magazine Editor a few years back. I was never fond of girly magazines growing up, because just like any other girl, I would fall into depression after seeing the skinny models showing off what I didn’t have (i.e. a stick figure), which would motivate me enough to do a massive two hour workout, after which celebratory pizza was always in order. Obviously it was not a healthy option.
What made me look twice at Girlfriend magazine after Pamela came onto the team was her strive to help girls gain better self esteem – not destroy it. They would have the occasional model in there, but always tried to keep Photoshop to a minimum. The technique Pamela often used when speaking to girls was showing them the ‘before’ and ‘after’ Photoshop photos. No girl could feel bad after seeing how much graphical work goes into making one photo of a model. Think the famous Dove Video that went viral, which showed how a normal-looking woman was transformed into an intensified photo, to the point where if you saw the actual person on the street, you wouldn’t recognize them in a million years.

Paula Abdul, after admitting her bulimia issues in her youth suggests every girl should lie down on a large piece of paper and have a friend outline her. When you stand up, basically, you see that you’re actually not fat like you think, in fact, it gives you a newly found confidence.

Although having a healthy self-esteem is not only about weight, but it’s definitely a starting point. The hype of gym memberships (yes, pre-teens are starting to go to the gym now!!), whether you look fat in a top, whether you haven’t been kissed because you’re ‘fat’…all these first world problems derive from a healthy outlook on your physical appearance.

Eva-Maria's recently published second book 'Shush, You!' features more quick tips about, among other things, how to help your preteens and teens understand the importance of a healthy self-esteem, so make sure you check it out here.

What are some of the ways you’ve found to help your pre-teen see their physical beauty?

Taking a Holiday with your Teens

Christmas can become one of the most stressful times of year very quickly – with work commitments, as well as the worry of where to go on holiday, can all become too much very quickly. So if you’re thinking of taking a holiday this festive season with the family, here are a few quick tips about how you can make the holiday time as stress-free as possible.

In sync with my newly released second book ‘Shush, You!’ I stand by the belief that you can improve relationships with your kids through small actions in 5 minutes a day or less, so this article is in hope that you can achieve that on holiday!

1. If you don’t know where to go, ask your kids!

2. Give your teen a time frame and budget, and let them come up with a travel itinerary.

3. Don’t ban iPods or cell phones – simply dedicate some time to when you can discuss something as a family during the trip.

4. If you’re taking your work on holiday, make sure you dedicate your time to it for an X amount of time every day.

5. Make a rule that if it’s a family trip, the whole family goes. No exceptions. That also narrows your chances of coming back to an un-supervised party house.

6. When conflicts arise, cut them on the spot. Take them for a walk and have a good chat to them.

7. Most of all, remember to have fun! Without banning anything, or starting up arguments, remember why you went on holiday, and that was to bond, and have fun!

What other tips would you recommend when going away on holiday?

Happy Holidaying!

The Recent London Riot & Youth

The recent London riots have caused a lot of controversy and speculation from the world, focusing on a small suburb in the capital. Without having been there at the time, or in my case…ever, but having had close friends from there, it is something that has sparked my own interest. Apart from the over-televised proof of what happens when people go wild, or in New Zealand’s case, papers were focusing mainly on the fact that the riots were caused by youth.

England is no stranger to horrific ‘when youth go wild’ stories, but from some of the (maybe biased) news I’ve seen and heard, here are some of my own speculations of how something as tragic as this has happened.

Tipping Point
There comes a time when people have had enough. Having seen how corporates working in their cubicles can reach a tipping point where they go as far as a bloody fight in a what can be described a very rigid and calm environment, I am not surprised that there came a time and reason for people to rebel. I am not condoning actions of the looters, or the rebels, but come on – people only need to see violence, when some reach their tipping point of having to join in to prove something. What happened in London, I would go as far as say that there were people who had reached a tipping point. Unfortunately, it had been against the Police, but among sufferers were peaceful citizens who owned businesses in the suburb. I think we can all reach a tipping point when we have had enough, and other people starting something can make us join in with the action.

Bad Parenting
Speculation from BBC quickly started focusing on how it was many youth who had joined in to be ‘rebels without a cause’, and their observations came down to bad parenting. I haven’t personally met these so called ‘bad parents’, but perhaps it’s worth exploring: who are the parents of these looters and hooligans? No parent ever wants to raise their kids ‘the wrong way’, yet some get sucked into drugs, crime, hate…so where do the kids of these parents go wrong? I am not religious, but it doesn’t take a genius to know that even books like the Bible teach those who will listen to not steal, kill, or disrespect their elders. So why do some take such extreme actions when they reach their own tipping point?

Rebels without a Cause
There are many who idolize the likes of Che Guevara, Martin Luther King Jr and Mahatma Gandhi. I remember at high school during one assembly, we were challenged with an interesting question: if you wanted to make a big impact in the world we live in, does this mean breaking the law? All three of these (and many more) significant leaders of our past all broke the law in some way to fight whether aggressively or passively for something they believed would produce a better world for all. Che Guevara used to go around with his gang in his school days and break street lamps as a sign of rebellion against the world they were living in. The likes of the Sex Pistols used the music scene to voice all that was wrong with the world. Was Martin Luther King Jr in the wrong to fight for his rights in a world where he was considered an insignificant citizen? Without condoning the actions of what has recently hit London, should we perhaps be taking a step back and recognizing or questioning what all these people are protesting against? And if many of them are youth, is it not a good thing that all have found a way to band together to fight for a cause? I guess in my mind the question still remains: was this a cause? With all my work and research, this to me, is yet another example of how quickly people can pull together for a common message. The challenge though, still remains in my mind: how can we take this energy among people, and more importantly the ‘rebellious youth’ and gear this towards more positive action?

What do you think?

My Generation - Generation SMART

The term Generation SMART is one I’ve coined over the past couple of years and it covers the 15 to 25 year olds of the world. It’s an important generation – with half of the population under the age of 25, we as a society need to listen and understand what those hooligans are all about, right. I can see people in the audience going yeah right girl, convince me they’re smart. They’re not necessarily smarter than you, they’re SMART because of the world they’re immersed in.

Think back to your teen years. What were you like as a young person? Think back to what you were going through and feeling when you were 13, 16, 18…go on – take a moment.

You know what you just felt?
You felt exactly what young people today feel. We are no different to how you used to be. The only difference between you and us is that you’ve forgotten what it’s like!
Ten feet tall and bulletproof? How about Twenty feet tall and superman! We know we can do anything! You had that attitude way back when, and look where it got you? Tell me all these years have been a waste of time? The attitudes, energy and passion of young people is something I wish I could bottle up and sell to the depressed old men out there who look angry going to work in their suits to sit in a cubicle every day. You see, our emotions and attitudes haven’t changed – the only thing that’s changed is that you grew up.

Although there are many similarities between younger and older generations today, the current young generation comes down to five simple things.
Generation SMART can be broken down into five simple words:
Swift, Mobile, Accessible, Ready, Transparent...get it...acronym for SMART!

Swift
Young people are fast. They always have been. Perhaps not THE fastest, but definitely fast-ER. And in many respects, they have no way of channelling this speed at which they can achieve and do things.

Mobile
This generation is more likely to travel, change jobs and houses more regularly than any other generation. A longitudinal study in Auckland concluded that the under 25-year old newlyweds are more likely to move houses within the first year of getting married. How’s that for the big dream of owning one and only house for the rest of your married life? Generation SMART have more access to travel, cars…they can travel halfway across the country in a night if they wanted to. Back in the day, it was a big deal to have a car…these days more than half of teenagers out there own one!

Accessible
Generation SMART are more accessible – with the advances in technology, you can make contact with them whenever you need. This generation is easier to reach than other young generations have been, only because of the technology that’s out there…and it doesn’t only extend to cell phones – GPS systems, security systems and everything else can help keep track to increase accessibility to youth.

Ready
We’re ready…ready to take action! Coupled with our speed, want to help, and thinking we’re invincible, we’re ready for the challenges you set in front of us…we won’t always succeed, but the main this is we’re ready.

Transparent
With the age of Facebook, young people are now becoming more transparent – with their thoughts, feelings, and everything in between. Some have no shame putting up intricate details of their lives, while some hide certain facts, knowing these may been seen by any one on the web. Generation SMART are transparent because they understand that their lives are an open book…should they choose to narrate it through some of the new means.

As you can see, there are some aspects that relate to when you were younger, but some that may be a bit new, but realistically, the only thing that different in today’s world is the environment we live in.

There is no miracle cure to make Generation SMART see things the way you do, but there are definitely ways to understand them – how they think and perceive the world because of the environment they were immersed in from Day 1. We can always learn to understand, so why not start today…all you need to do is perhaps something as simple as…strike a conversation.

2am the New Midnight...?

A common problem the average parent is likely to come across is the timely issue of youth growing up too quickly. Time and time again, parents are faced with decision time about what curfew to set for their teenagers. The only problem is, with the invention of constant communication technology, like cell phones and GPS tracking systems, the old ‘be home by midnight’ is no longer valid. Teenagers are taking a stand, and they’re hitting the sore spot by claiming their friends are staying up later too…and before you know it, the old midnight turns into the new 2am.

The key is to do your research and set some rules. Take your teen as a starting point for your research. You need to take into account that their friends may be very different to the friends you had at your age – everyone knows that there are some groups that stay out later than others for whatever reasons. There are daytime skaters, as opposed to the night-time ones. The night-time ones aren’t necessarily there at night to drink and do drugs – they may have divided the time because the skate park is quieter, or has more of their friends around at night-time. You’ll need to ask them to see their side of the story and understand their reasons why they are staying out so late.

Your next port of call is the other parents around. These can be family friends with teenagers, or even your teen’s friends’ parents. What do they think about their proposed curfew? Is it too late? What do the other parents set as curfew for their teens? Why?

Now after you’ve done your research, go back to your teen like a sales person, and try compromise the best time you can both agree on. Maybe not be as sly as the stereotypical sales person, but try work towards your both advantage. Through this process, you’ll be able to set some rules down, because even if you decide on a particular time, things do come up, so set them straight. Perhaps the curfew can be at 2am, which is the time when they must be at home, but they must TXT you at midnight, or an hour or two after they’ve left home to let you know they’re OK. Come up with a number of scenarios they can reference to in future. For example, what if the bus, taxi or their ride can’t get them home by 2am – do they need to TXT or call you? Are they hanging out in your suburb or in town? What if there is a family emergency – how fast can they get back home?

Now, if you need to, write these rules out and stick them on the door, or the fridge, in their car, wallet, or even in their room. Perhaps it might be embarrassing for them to have these rules up in their room, or in their wallet, but I personally think friends can be very considerate in today’s world – teenagers have a conscience too, and if your teen’s friends see you have set rules for them, they’ll know about the rules their friend has, and I hope you find, in the perfect scenario that they will actually peer pressure your teen to stick to them.

What curfew would you set for the teen in your life? What was acceptable when you were younger, and what rights are they demanding in today’s day and age?

Engaging Us as a Generation...

It's been a while since I blogged on here, but I have something I'd love your feedback on, as I wrote on the Emergen ygenclub Blog...

An article I wrote got published in last month's Speaker Magazine that goes out to all members of associations run by the Global Speakers Federation around the world. I've put it up linking back to the magazine on HERE.

I tried to focus on key myths that I've heard go around teachers and speakers, breaking myths like...

• You have to be young to engage youth.
• You need to be cool.
• Textbook content is good.
• I’m an adult, so young people need to hear my funny stories about my life.
• You must be inspiring and positive.

What's been amazing is getting gazillions of e-mails and calls since the article came out, from people wanting to know more tips, more insights into how to engage us, young people as an audience.

So I'm here to get your feedback...what other myths should we bust?

What advice would you give an older speaker who completely missed the target of engaging an audience you were part of?

What tips can you share, perhaps even from your experiences?

Parenting Teenagers of Today...my latest two cents...

Cell phones, laptops...today’s teens seem to have it all! But in reality, even though our environment has changed over the years, relationship dynamics haven’t. Even in the 21^st century, a baby, child, or even teenager needs the same amount of care and support as they always have, but for some reason parents tend to think their parenting needs to somehow mould into today’s PC society.

How many parents are guilty of creating a Facebook account not to actually use it but take advantage of the opportunity to see what their kids are up to? Don’t get me wrong – there are situations when parents want to know what their kids are up to if they’re living on the other side of the world, but when youth are in their teen years, they just want to be left alone. Remember yourself – didn’t you want the world to leave you alone when you were that age?

Sure, today’s technology has given parents more ways of protecting their kids from harm, but there’s a fine line between spying and protecting, so going back to some good old fashioned tips of building a solid relationship with your kids, here’s some advice and proven methods to refer to when you’re just not sure what to do...

You Shut Up
Everyone loves to be heard.
Next time you’re talking to your teen, or even if there is an argument or misunderstanding, no matter how badly you want to speak over them, yell, scream or add your 2 cents worth, take a breath and hear them out first. One of the following things may happen:
a) You may hear a story that’ll change your mind about what you were about to say
b) They may blurt out some silly heat-of-the moment comment that you can share at dinner tonight

c) You would have prepared your teen to let them listen to you, by psychologically respecting their right to speak. This means they will subconsciously make a note of this, so when they’ve finished, they will be more inclined to listen to you without interruption.

Be the Parent – Communicate your Values in full
Of course, no one can hold their kids’ hands for the rest of their lives, but you can teach them make rational choices, especially as they enter into the teen years...
Every adult is likely to have been on both ends of this scenario which didn’t leave anyone happy:
“Mum, Dad can I go to that party tonight?”
“No!”
“But why??”
“Because we said so”
The moral is: next time you have an opinion or make a decision, explain and back these up with reasons behind it to your teen! Humans are curious by nature, and youth aren’t exempt from it, so feed this curiosity – voice your reasons.
This not only provides solid ground for your point, but when done enough times will instil those decision-making skills in your teen, so next time they make a decision, they’ll have an automatic reaction to question it and think “Is this a good enough reason/choice for my actions?”

Trust and give MORE responsibility
Next time there is an opportunity to give your teen a responsibility, from cooking dinner for the family to leaving them the house for the night while you’re out, give it to them! Nothing does it for youth quite like having ownership over a situation, and you may find yourself surprised at how much they rise to the challenge of a responsibility. Explain what’s expected of them, and leave the rest to trust. Trust CAN be a scary thing, but hey, everyone makes mistakes and if that happens to be the case, rinse and repeat – as long as your teen knows where you stand, what’s expected of them, and have your support to try better next time, that’s a winning combination!

Lost Generation...?

The AARP (American Association of Retired People) wanted to know what young people were thinking about their future.

They ran a video competition called "U @ 50"

The second place winner was "Lost Generation"

It is brilliant in its simplicity. When it was shown to an AARP audience, they broke into spontaneous applause.

What are your thoughts...?

Un-Impressed by Social Networking

My regular Agony Aunt Column for teachers in NZ schools came across an interesting case last night, and I thought to share this very interesting exchange with you!

Dear Eva-Maria

I'd like to know your views on the latest scandals about social networks and how this is negatively impacting schools. We all know with new age comes change, and this generations' it's unfortunately the opportunity to hide behind a computer screen and write anything they want about the people who truly care about them - their teachers. You've grown up in this age Eva-Maria - what do you think - is it fair our students are allowed to post such public and hurtful comments for the entire world to see?

Un-impressed

*
*
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Dear Un-impressed

Do you remember a teacher you didn't like, and you felt you may have to tell your friends about your frustrations too?

Social networking = same thing, except online.

Whether there is a social network or 'group' dedicated to something bad about a school or teacher, it does NOT make any more or less students feel this way. There are always different
people, different teachers, different students. The internet has given people all over the world an environment and an opportunity to voice their opinions, but this doesn't necessarily convert
people. It may bond together the like-minded, but that could happen in real life too if the internet didn't exist. I find the same mind-boggling thing with adults who won't put their photo up on the internet because they're scared someone will steal their identity or something. Realistically, these people leave their house, and any person passing them, if they wanted to, could take a photo of them and steal their identity. Putting a photo up online is just as dangerous as leaving your house!

The main point is to use the internet for positive purposes. If you're annoyed at all the hate groups online, make an 'I Love My School' group! Like-minded people will join you, and you will be making a positive impact in the internet world - impacts will be made through the internet - it's up to you if you're going to contribute to them in a good or bad way! "Be the change you want
to see in the world" - famous words of Mahatma Gandhi, and I cannot agree more.

But bottom line, no; I'm not impressed either because students should respect their teachers. Perhaps this whole social networking business is a point you can raise at your next class - what are their views on this? You both have alot to learn, and a different point of view to see from each other - they may just surprise you!

Trust Your Future - it depends on you too!

Eva-Maria

To see more Agony Aunt Columns, or perhaps ask your own question
you'd like answered, click here!


So what are your thoughts on Social Networking?

Da 1: Surviving Xmas With Teens

The 25 Day Countdown of 'Surviving Xmas with Teens' has officially started!

Day 1 is all about:

ATTITUDE!

Sign Up Now 2 get your daily Xmas tip at www.eva-maria.co.nz



Happy Holidays!

Eva-Maria and the Otara Youth Collective Redefine Youth!

Last week's trip to Otara in Auckland was a huuuge success!!

As the papers raved about the event, the OYC girls were quick on their feet to make the event a huuge success! Apart from my workshop of 'How to get a Better Relationship with Any Teenager', the girls had a bake sale to raise money for their exciting upcoming projects! Woo hoo!!

Read all about the rave article about the day in Scoop HERE!

Check out some pics from the day below, and don't forget to connect with these amazing OYC-ers on...FACEBOOK and BEBO!

Youth Zone Access Radio!

Had an aaawesome interview today with a couple of pretty wicked teens!

Unfortunately I didn't get a picture with the two amazing boys (damn!), so if they become famous soon, I do not have any actual proof that I've met them, but hey...

Victor and Brad were kind enough to ask me over 20 questions about my work, being a speaker, author, and all that jazz....

See the Youth Zone Program on the Access Radio Website Here!

xoxo

"With Mud Flaps At The Back"

Teen Trends and Fashion Today!

Inspired by a comment about a teen boy's hair as having 'mud flaps at the back', I decided it was time to dig down and give the dirt on fashion and teens.

This video is for adults.

After all, we're all just a product of the adult world!

www.trustyourfuture.com

Check out the awesomely awesome video by clicking below! :)


Source: http://www.flixya.com/video/2223619/Teen_Trends__and__Fashion

Dear Daddy

My good friends from DIY Father have been absolutely wonderful over the past couple of years that I've known them!
So with all their exciting overseas travels and book releases of their very successful work, I thought I'd help these amazing people out, and let the world know that here is this wonderful resource every single daddy and daddy-to-be absolutely must, must, must have this Christmas/Birthday/Random Surprise Event Where It's Cool To Give Gifts....

Their book is available online right this very second!
DIY Father - Call Me Dad

Seriously check out their site - it's full of wisdom and many dad-parenting things, and remember to grab a copy of DIY Father - Call Me Dad too..for that special man! :)

Social Networking 101 - Teen's View

So I thought I'd try out my knack for the camera in little informative videos to celebrate the e-book that people have been begging for me to release for a while....all about social networking, why teens love it so much, whether there's any point in it, and most importantly, how to market using social media!

Since this post, we've actually put some of the info into a 7 Day Social Media Course...check it out at www.socialnetworkingnz.co.nz and sign up to receive a lesson a day for the next week in the right hand column!


And you can click on the picture to see the video!...